I have been reading quite a bit lately. Started off with Mere Christianity (C. S. Lewis), and my passion for reading once again sparked off. Then I'm reading Ordering Your Private World (Gordon MacDonald) and The Chronicles of Narnia (C. S. Lewis).
I'm filled with hope, I'm feeling courageous.
It's time to march forward from this cycle of questions and doubts on Christ's and the Lord's existence. It's time to move on and grow. I realised I've already been led on. I'm thankful.
I look back at one of my previous post and I laugh at myself. Myself for feeling so insecure about all these worldy successes, in terms of looks, achievements, finance, materials. I'm encouraged. It makes me want to march forward and think that all these do not matter to me anymore. Well, at least I'll try my hardest to focus on those that's what (I think) are more important.
Let me drift off for a while here, but still relevant. I was once feeling intimidated by the thought of leaving for Australia and I felt myself totally unprepared and thus ready to say yes to everything under peer pressure. Yeah, I had these 'premonitions' of me dancin' in the clubs, chillin' at the pubs, even 'relaxin' at the beach had some hidden agendas to them. Now don't get me wrong, hormones they themselves have a way of their own and after all I'm only human. (Just that I prefer to look innocent, haha). Well, these 'premonitions' to themselves mean nothing. What frightened me was that I could almost see myself noddin' and smilin' at these 'scenes' playing out in my head. I was scared, frightened.
I wasn't feeling like me. I found myself lost. I didn't know myself anymore. So much for wanting and trying to be strong in a brand new environment (Those who know me probably knows that I'm referring to where I've been within these 2-year period ), I found myself weak in the end. I was happy that I've finally join the crowd, and then I wasn't, because I really was joining the crowd.
Happy things happened after that. Like acceptance to medical school. I was numb. I didn't felt the joy I thought I would.
Sad things happened too. Like granddad who's in hospital now. I am numb too. I don't feel the sorrow I think I ought to.
I don't like it. This experience of being void with feelings. To quote from a song: "For someone who has felt so strong, it's amazing I'm completly gone." I'm confused by this drastic change as well. From myself I knew back then and myself right now, I'm living with 2 different minds.
Then it chanced upon me. He chanced upon me. Again.
2 things.
Ordering A Private World - where all is stripped away and one is left with all that wasn't one's to begin with. This is where earthly possessions and success matter no more. Of course try as one may, everyone is ultimately tied to this world and it would indeed be very silly to stop working altogether. It's just that I'm led to believe these temporal what-is-ours shouldn't really be our main focus.
Feelings - the fact that I'm always basing myself upon feelings. Not nessecary bad, but not desirable. Oh how disappointed I feel when I didn't get into NUS, how peaceful it was when it felt as though God was leading me through this whole mess, how happy I am for a successful interview. And then my day is made. Shaped. By my feelings. So saying grace became something I do out of compulsion. Then it became a 'feeling kind of bored, the same old grace'. It's time to learn that I shouldn't base myself so much on feelings.
For love itself is not a feeling I gathered. It is not the feeling of 'lovely dovey' or 'steamy sexy' love that I'm referring to. It's the basic love that bounds everyone together, holds everyone accountable. The love that says 'give thy what is best for him/her.' For you look around and you would think that everyone loves themself. Strive for what is best for yourself, best for your family and friends. Give them the best. Of course this is very debatable and not very obvious for some people. For some will really want to do what is good, to give back to what society has given them. Do charity, community service. Pardon me should I sound like I'm the judge here, but anyone who really gives out of pure love can protest against me. Otherwise there are many times when I also catch myself giving because I'm led by the feelings of sympathy or public opinion; or simply to make myself feel like a better person. Then again this usually does not lasts. For I get irritated the next moment someones steps accidentally on my shoes or does something better than me. There goes the love. Say welcome to pride. I'm not inclined to think how wonderful someone is because we're both drawing and his/hers looks nicer than mine.
Why why I really shouldn't be saying all these because I meant only to speak of myself and how a horrid being I am. I really am. And this post isn't a post meant to draw attention to myself as well. The reason for this post is this: I'm trying. I'm struggling to imitate something so real out of Jesus. And that is love. And I wish to encourage those who walk along the same path; and be in turned encouraged myself as well. Do not give up.
Even as I turn to a vocation (as one of my friend said, profession shouldn't be the word) of a doctor, I think I really need to bring these 2 in order. Order a private world and guide myself by the standards and love that has been shown by Christ. It won't be easy. But I would like to think that struggling is better than giving up altogether. Of course after typing so much, I know I'll one day and another, slip back to my old ways. Hence I would be so glad if anyone out there stands forward and give myself a gentle reminder; even so punch me if you would like. So that when the 2nd coming descends I'd be better prepared for the final battle.
DrWb 10:44 PM
***
Saturday, November 26, 2005
I Wonder What You're Thinking Of
I went to visit grandfather yesterday.
Well, for the past week, he'd been transferred from Cardio ICU to the general ward, then back to the Neuro ICU.
Ever more so tired, ever more so like a kid. If I dare say, he smells of Johnson's Johnson baby bath foam.
But he's since cease to reply us calling him. All he can do is nod and smile.
Even when so it'll be a matter of minutes before he returns to sleep.
If not he'll be staring into space, space above him.
It is then that I wonder what he's thinking.
DrWb 7:25 PM
***
Friday, November 18, 2005
2 Generations Ago..
My grandfather is in ICU. Today marks day number 6.
I haven't got time to contemplate the situation. Or maybe I was trying to keep it off my mind.
Received a call towards the end of my last Physics J2 tuition and Dad was on the other line.
"You finished your tuition? Grandpa's just been admitted and is in critical condition. He wishes to see you..."
Now isn't it ironic, the first thought I had was: Me? He wants to see me? Why me?
I should have thought it should have been: How is he?
My relationship with grandfather hasn't been all that rosy for the past 20 years.
He's scolded me with the Teo Chew language which I've since found harder to decipher since grandma's death in '91.
I've shown displeasure in holding up a conversation with him.
My family's living in this terrace house that lawfully belongs to him because Dad's volunteer to take care of him while most people found it inconvenient to do so. Not me. I certainly didn't.
And thus he's given a lot of, from my perspective, trouble for us. Times when he's gone bathing while leaving the stove on and all that's cook by Mum for dinner's burnt, food together with wok; times when he's locked us out from the house because he forgot we were returning from Taiwan and had reminded him not to double lock the door; times when incontinency had the better of him and left a mess for Dad to clean up.
And so the conclusion that we really did not have the ability to cope with it all. He was sent to a residence, an old folks' home. I always thought these were for people whose children didn't 'want' them anymore. As much as I disliked him, I felt a little sad for him.
One day a year later he fled the Home. We received a call from the Home. We thought it was unbelievable for him, an 'old folk' to have escaped. The whole family was shocked. We were hoping against the worst. And a few moments later he arrived back here in a taxi. Everyone thought it a relief. He was safe. I thought it was funny.
A part of me also thought that he missed home.
Last Sunday I went to the hospital and I stood over this old chap lying in bed and I felt numb. Numb not from the shock, but numb from the inability to feel anything for him. For an old man I hardly knew, barely understood. I believed I heard that he had pushed away the doctors and nurses - mumbled something about being uncomfortable. I diverted my attention to the 'life sustaining' machines. More interesting were these gadgets. I could barely feel sad. Let alone the tears I saw in his sons and daughters and some of my cousins.
The next few days saw myself in camp with many duties. On my lips my grandfather is in ICU and I'm worried about his condition. On my mind my grandfather is in ICU and I'm worried about the way I was reacting to him. In my heart I wanted to feel. Feel a feeling of genuine sadness. I wished for tears.
Today I went to the hospital and I stand over this old chap lying on bed. He had just went through 2 scans of his heart and liver. I supposed they performed endotracheal intubation and some other stuff too, for the evidence was clear and tubes protruding from his arteries and veins were obvious. He was heaving and making huge efforts to breathe. Just breathe. I thought about him. Just like how my uncles and aunties were. I also thought about something else. Something else so urgent and of prime importance I wish to discuss it soon. Not here, not on this entry. This entry's would've been used to say that I still do want to wish him well. Then again, this day's not about me.
DrWb 11:14 PM
***
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The Promise Breaker Hi to all friends,
I remember promising most of you guys a treat after you know, if I ever get into medical school. Well, let me lay it down plainly, I'm about to break that promise. I'm can't anymore, I really can't, can't within the next few months. I'll explain.
Mum reminded me that I wasn't some 'fu4 jia1 zi3 di4' yesterday after I told my parents of my intended big shopping spree, inclusive of that laptop and digital camera. Dad said I could bring the current digital camera that we are using over there. Frankly, I wasn't too pleased with their ideas. I have a reason to celebrate, I want something to congratulate myself on getting that coveted place in medical school. Mostly, Mum questioned most of the things that were on my shopping list - 'Don't you already have this?'; 'You sure this is necessary?'. Oh well, flare up and make a big fuss I didn't; in fact, I'm proud to say that I accepted their suggestions. You know, things like bringing along this old bulky digital camera and 'taking stock' of all the clothes that I already have and see what's really missing. But deep inside, it all just doesn't add up! - not only am I going to a Uni not of my first choice, I guess I'm not about to embark on some grab-all-you-can shopping spree anytime soon. My heart sinks.
I'm a selfish crab. Believe me, I am one.
I do serious reflection everytime I get a lecture from my parents. And yeah, as much as I gathered, I am a selfish crab.
It works up to a total of at least SGD 300K for me to go to UNSW to pursue medicine. Words hanging on my mouth question if my parents are really able to provide for me and if things will go fine for them. But frankly deep inside, I don't feel a stinch. Not the tiniest stinch. The money is not mine. I wasn't the one who worked so hard for years and years just to save up. I wasn't the one who gave up the chance of owning a proper car just so I could provide for my son. I'm not the one who saves whatever is best for my children and than anything goes for me.
I know I should feel something, you know, like, you gotta limit your spendings dude. But all along my mind had been fixed. I want to get into med school, go for that shopping spree, fly away, a new life in Uni, enjoy life there, come back as a doctor, hopefully success and all honours to me. Whatever happens within this 7 years doesn't bother me!
But I want to make my parents proud, I really want to. I really really want to give them a good life. I always feel that I owe them something. Maybe it is because Dad always decline any food that I want to share with him (so that I can have all of it), or maybe it's because I always see my parents eat the normal parts of the chilli crab while they leave the juciest part for me. Maybe it's because of the way I see them work their butts off while all I have to do is to sit back, relax and enjoy the fruits of their labour, like the many countries I've been to - Taiwan, Thailand, Malaysia, Korea, China, Australia, New Zealand, Turkey, America and upcoming, Langkawi. We didn't win those tickets.
But I have tried! I tried. I try to save as much as I can too! I try to find tuition kids to earn some extra cash. Sometimes I skip meals because I know when I go out with my friends I'd need to spend. I don't like to be the one who says that I don't want to go to this restaurant or that karaoke place and be everybody's cold bucket. On normal days I try to limit the amount I spend so that I can save up just that little more. And there I have! All the tests, the application fees, the medical checkups, my driving classes, the initial UNSW deposit, the overseas student health insurance - I paid them all. Hundreds and hundreds, thousands and thousands I forked out from my own savings. It makes me feel sad, whether it's all worth it, when I see my own life savings depleting like this. But I know. I'm glad. I'm satisfied with the way I've spent. At least I hadn't touched my parents savings even before I go over to Aust. Because I know. I know when I go over there, they will be the ones, the ones who have to deal with the financial state.
That is why, my friends, don't judge me from the house that I live in. My family ain't that really well to do as it seems. Even if so it wouldn't be my particular family within. There's still many financial issues that I've yet to figure out myself within. Within a family business that's doing well but leaves me questioning the exact people who are benefitting from it all. Ah, family politics, I don't have time to deal with those now. I'm sorry I even drag you into this. Pardon me.
Back to where I began. I am now preparing to embark on a journey. A journey of a lifetime, and I am going to UNSW to study medicine. I am going there to learn the traits of being a doctor, art of a healer. And for that, I am going to study really hard. I will enjoy my time there, but ultimately, I will keep to my values (No smoking, no drugs, no premarital sex, blah blah you should know if you know me. Haha. And clubbin' you say? They're really fun sometimes but lets just keep them to innocent ones right?) and I will always remember the reasons why I want to study medicine in the first place. There will be patients to treat and lives to touch.
So friend, I'm really sorry about the treat. But that ain't mean we shouldn't meet up! Unless of course you decide that it isn't worth your time to meet me without this treat (Then I will knock your head and kick your ass). So, there will be alterations to my shopping list (shopping is still on man! There are still things which I think are really necessary!) and for the treat, I really hope you who are reading this will accept my apology. We'll wait for 7 years down the road, when I return. What say ya pal?
Bless you.
DrWb 11:48 PM
***
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I'm Dreaming of a Snowiee Christmas Finally settled down with the ER (season 2) DVDs that I bought last Christmas. Last Christmas I bought lots and lotsa DVDs and CDs! Now that I'm about to disrupt and am clearing leave, I finally finally have some time to do things that I (feel) I should've done a long long time ago (Like watching ER). Well I couldn't bring myself to give a full analysis of the many issues that were explored, so I'll change the topic to something that's brewing inside my heart now. And that is, SHOPPING!! Man, it's been ages! I've been promising myself that shopping spree ever since the start of this year. You know, after all the huffles and shuffles of applying for overseas med and if I ever come out victorious!
Santa if you hear me, I've been really good this year! I've worked really hard and not been fooling around. I've tried to the best of my ability to follow my dreams and battled through all the tests and interviews. I've survived through the many disappointments and grown stronger by the day and I'm still standing tall! I've been blessed to see the miracles that God showers on me everyday. I've learned that family and friends are the ones who had, who are, and who will continue to play a big big role in my life and I really really thank God for them. Man if this blog entry's gonna be on mentioning everyone's name and thanking each of them, I'll take forever to get to what this entry's about, and that is SHOPPING!! Now that Christmas is near and sales are around the corner, I'm just waiting for the Christmas spirit inside me to erupt and take hold of my heart and soul. Burn forth my pockets and let the big monies roll and splurge! Try the shoes, carry that bag, zip the pants, put on shirt, click to the apple ibook, dance to the music playing on the ipods!
Now, now, who wants to go shopping?? Hehe... Please, whoever has any discount cards or privileges, call meeeeee!! PS - It'd would so good if you've got your shopping list too, then we'd have so much fun SHOPPING!!
Now on with the Christmas shopping wish list!! PS - It'd be ever so nice if anyone of you out there buy me lotsa presents!! I Will Remember You!
Budgets in [].
1. Formal wear (Includes: 2 shirts, 2 pants, underwear. You know, like, if I ever have to attend any marriage or whatsoever functions) [$220] 2. Normal uni wear (Includes: 2 shirts, 2 pants, underwear, sweater. I've got to wear something during classes! Oh well, I'll wear nicer when I get to visit patients. So, it means nicer clothes right? Hehe) [$220] 3. Sporting/beach attire (Includes: beach ready body, shorts, havanians. Research studies shows that UNSW is really near this Coogee beach! Man! I'm gonna head down there AMAP (as much as possible), and hopefully revise some anatomy too!) [$100] 4. Shoes (Notice how I always wear those sandals all around... sigh) [$200] 5. Watch (Oh well my watch's strap busted. So I'm gonna get a nice nice watch. Just so that to make me try to be punctual for our outings. Hehe) [$200] 6. Laptop (preferably ibook or powerbook, optimised to the optimumly wonderfully excellency delightfully supremely marvellous majestic condition!!) [$3500] 7. iPod!! (now now I know I've gotten the ipod mini, but oh look at that new iPod!! It plays videos as well!! And it's sleek black. Oh my my my...) [$800] 8. Specs (Gonna get those cool cool specs. Oh, maybe I'll be vain and get that contacts!) [$200] 9. Belt (Just feel like buying one) [$60] 10. Sunscreen, sunshade, sunblock, SUNTAN!!! Woohooo!! [$50] 11. Pouch! (It looks coooooool) [$50] 12. Bag (To keep all the things Imma gonna buya) [$80] 13. Digital Camera!!! (So I can snap away and start posting real pictures!! A Canon Ixus is good I heard..?Any recommendations?) [$600]
Oh well, I've worked it out, it all adds up to roughly more than the amount of my deposit, which was what it took to empty my bank of three quarters my life savings. So... I've got to dream about some numbers to get the digits ebough for me to buy all these..(Did I ever tell you I'd had dreamt of the winning 4D combination!!?? Well, I'm kinda hoping that was gona happen again.) And anyway, this list's subject to changes! (Which most probably means I'll be adding more along the way) Oh well, we all have dreams right? And I, I'm dreaming of all my christmas wishes, a dream that snows me all my christmas presents; I'm dreaming of a snowiee christmas!
