My dad drives home a lorry most of the day - that same old lorry that I've seen since I was a kid.
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I used to shy away from it as a kid because I didn't like it when my friends asked me about it and I had to explain to them why we have a lorry. For a young kid such as I was, pride was one of the sins I held tightly onto.
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My grandfather owns a fruit wholesale centre in Pasir Panjang. That's how we came about to live in a terrace house. Yeah, the house belongs to him. This (relatively) big house that I've come to get used to belongs to my grandfather. The best thing about the house is that it has a big enough living room in which my family has a rather mini stereo system in which I can blast the music and dance wildly. Yeah... Legally speaking, it would then be inherited amongst his children. But the subject matter of this post is not the house.
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Throughout the years as I grew up, I've come to enjoy the moments whereby I get to be at the back seat of the lorry and Dad's cruising along the expressway. Just recently we travelled to Bukit Panjang to attend my niece's 'man yue' party, and there was this whole stretch of trees and the wind's just blowing on your face. The air was fresh from the evening rain and was cool from the vegetation all around. And I like having music along for the ride. So I get to enjoy the view, beathe in the air, relax my mind.
It is during these times that I dare to sing loudly in public. I know that even if I shout on the top of my voice and that voice goes haywire, the sound of the wind will buffer it away. It is then that I listen to songs such as Heaven (Hayley Westernra) that makes me think that life is beautiful. It is also during these times that I like to do reflections.
Ah, reflections. How I love them. I'd like to think of myself of thinking really deep thoughts. Thoughts on the meaning of life, on the reasons why I would want to go clubbing, amongst others of course. But with that return trip from Bukit Panjang, and furthermore from the trip yesterday to Suntec with my family for the 'Tourism Malaysia ~ Truly Asia!" exhibition, something new began to dawn in me. Oh, before I go on, we eventually booked a trip to Langkawi in late Nov. It's said to be the 'last trip' I would take with my family before I depart to Aust. I feel rather down actually. But anyway, thought. I was just looking around at all the people - couples, families, groups of aunties; scrambling around looking for a perfect deal to seal, that will bring them to a faraway place where they will indulge and relaxed. Where they will have fun and capture memories that'll see them through the years. Then I thought of myself, there I was, with a future that'll see me travelling across the globe (well, across oceans at least) to pursue something I've always dreamt of. And I didn't feel a thing!
On the return trip, I allowed the wind to slap my face, wake me up. It's happening! I'm going to learn to live independently! It's gonna be an experience of a lifetime! I'm flying away in 3 months' time! I get to study medicine! Oh well, reality it is, but after serious consideration, I think the reason why I can't bring up my spirits is because I know it'll be you guys I'd be missing badly when I go over. So much for wanting to fly away. There will be so many things I will miss, and one of these would be sitting at the back of the lorry, wind on my skin.
DrWb 9:15 PM
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Friday, October 28, 2005
Fatter I grow, Hungrier I get
Was eating 'sanlao he' at Hong Kong Street Restaurant yesterday when it suddenly struck me that I would be missing out on lots of good food when I go over to Sydney! Speaking of which, someone I met on gunbound told me that things would be 'boring', because 'everything is so expensive!'. Oh well, I guess I'll indulge myself as much as I can while I am surrounded by all the yummy, juicy, tender, delicious and orificial pleasing feast!
I grow up in a cosy little home in the heartland of Lorong Lew Lian, where most of the basic needs are met by 2 stretches of shop houses and hawker centres. The hawker centres offer amazingly tasty food for an unbelievable price of (mostly) $2 each, in this day and time! I say this because the list of treats that follow this would see many of the items being featured from here.
Besides that, I've got to say the food I would miss most would be my mum's, which I must say, I often take for granted, cos it's all there and I just need to open my mouth when I'm hungry and close the gap whenever I'm full from eating outside food. Yea I know... sounds really bad... but hey! I grew up eating the food she cook, and I've come to love and appreciate the food that she can come up with... So creative sometimes! Ahhhhh....
Oh well, thinking of these make me go gooo gaaaaa all over... luckily I've already had dinner..
So! Here it is! Proudly presenting to you the TOP 10 YUMMY TREATS (I'd miss most when I go over to Aust).... Oh man, I'm starting to tear as I type all these down...
1.Xia dan aka Prawn Egg (My mum's absolutely drive me nuts) 2.Niu Rou Hor Fan aka Beef Horfun (sanlao would do just as fine!) 3.Chilli Crab!! (JUMBO!!!!) 4.Sao Ji Fan aka Chicken Rice (boneless thigh meat!!) 5.Wanton Mee (Lots of Chilli!!) 6.Roti Prata (Curry curry currryyyyy) 7.Gao Li Cai Fan aka Cabbage Rice (splurge ketchup upon it with a tinch of pepper!!) 8. Curry chicken set! (Thigh only please!!) 9. Laksa (No hum please) 10. Hehehehe...I'm torn between... Selegie desserts!!! Slurp! Mee Jiam Kueh (Serangoon!!) Rojak (with just the pineapple and you tiao!!) Curry Puff (really hot ones!!) My gosh, I can't believe this!!
And finally, any meals with anyone of you guys... =) Anyone who wants to taste all my favourite food can make a date with me!!
Can't believe I'm leaving all these food behind... Hehe
DrWb 9:12 PM
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005
When it's quiet out here A hundred miles away You can hear the train on the line The whistle blows just to break the silence I wave just to break the time I close my eyes I think of runnin' water I think of runnin' away But the fires burnt to ashes And it's darker than before But I can see as clear as day If I'm not here in the morning I'll cry a river of tears I'll learn to live in a new town But my heart is staying here
- Nullarbor Song
DrWb 3:31 AM
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Monday, October 24, 2005
Look Life to me has always been a journey of looking within and around - always comparing myself to others; a focus on the things I think I lack, the ways I feel I need to act, the words I desire to speak. This has always left me with a sense of insecurity, unsure of the person I am. Yea I know, it's another of those 'Who am I?' cliche. I look around and I see people who are so sure of themselves, full of confidence, smart, cool, pretty, lifestyle of the rich and famous, fit and fabulous. Then I measure myself against that sort of standards, and often I am reminded of how ordinary I am. I really should admit that I still feel like breaking away these days, leave and breakaway. Hence my friends, the reason for wanting to fly away, the reason why I want to go somewhere far. Far away from the city. I am only saved when I am around with my (extended) family. I've the reputation of being the one who'd broken new academic grounds for my generation of cousins, the one who did pretty well in school to get himself into medical school, the one who will be the first ever doctor in our family, the one who really seems to enjoy himself while being surrounded by his cousins and still am playing the likes of hide-and-seek and catching with them even though he's already 20... My aunts and uncles, they always ask their children to look up to me, learn from me, be like me. My aunt even cried when she saw my name appeared on the papers. That left a bigger impression on myself than the actual fact of scoring well for the 'O's. But that's beside the point.
I know it's not healthy to be doing what I'm doing, but it's not something I decide to do or not actively. Quote from Jennifer Knapp's (The Way I Am): "It's better off this way - to be deaf, dumb and lame, than to be the way I am". Sometimes I listen to inspirational songs to make myself feel worthy of something, I listen to them with a craving for self empowerment. But at the end of the day, it always end the same. I still feel like I'm missing something...
Looking back, how I wish I'd have grown up without developing this self destructive habit. Now that it's become innate 'instinct', I'm finding it hard to live without it's toil.
Then I look into the future with apprehension. What am I to do when I'm over at Australia? I am scared. I fear. I am frigthened by the thoughts that I think may overwhelm me. It's a new life in a new town, how will I cope?
I picture the day when I'm looking down from the aircraft. Finally on the journey of a life time, something I've dreamt about since last year. I picture it an exhilarating ride, a chance for me to break free, fly away. But still the story of the crow goes, it's not a matter with the place, wherever it goes, it'll never really break away from itself. Not that I'm saying I'm a crow...but you get the idea. That makes me sad.
In my heart I'm always longing to look up. I remember the days when I felt that everything was lost - days when I realise that some universities were not going to accept my application to medical school, days when I doubt my passion and abilities to become a care giver. But all in all, there was always hope, always a sense of peace, someone telling me that things will turn out just fine in the end. Even with so many things that were happening, I wasn't scared, I wasn't ready to back down. Then I thank God, and I begin to think to myself: maybe I should look up more often instead.
DrWb 1:25 PM
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I Will Remember You
Ok, maybe I'm taking things a bit too seriously. I guess I ought to be thankful being given a chance to pursue my interests and studies overseas, instead of lamenting about how unpleasant I think life would be if I'd had to settle for UNSW. Come to think of it, it seems only yesterday that I was praying so hard for just one, any one place in any place for me to study medicine. Now that I've gotten it, why do I focus on this I-think-UNSW's-not-a-good-choice thinking?
I ought to smack myself. One day anyone of you could come right up to me and hit me on the head and I wouldn't mind. I need a good ol' wackin', a wake up call. But isn't that always the case? Humans? Always discontented? Haha... shan't dwell on that topic. This post was meant to take a more positive tone.
Yea, more positive. For one, there are so so many of you guys out there that I wish to thank, give a hug. Haha. I would treat everyone to Jumbo chilli crab and seafood horfun given any chance. But I ought to warn you, my bank account is dipping way way low down.. Any further south I go my personal life savings would be gone and I'd be clinging on ever so tighly to my Mum and Dad. So, if you want a treat, I offer you either of the 2 packages:
PACKAGE A - 1) 0900 - Meet up @ designated place i.e. ECP (for the first time in history, 9am SHARP) 0915 - Proceed with a day of fun filled activities and enjoy each other(s)' company i.e. cycling, swimming, shopping, sittin' around at starbucks, relac' one corner 1300 - Lunch, anyone? Your treat (I'm paying for dinner, remember?). Preferably we go to some fine restaurant and eat to our hearts' fill. (Dou sha xiao long bao anyone?) 1500 - Continue with fun filled activities, where fun means fun and not sitting around wondering what we should do next (it'll be quite a while before I get to see you guys again so I wouldn't want to leave Singapore with a feeling of nostalgia - that the last time we met each other up was to think of what we should do next). 1730 - As the night falls and we're all getting warmed up to the much awaited dinner treat, we head on down to Jumbo and splurge overselves over the juicy chilli and pepper crabs, slurpping down the hor fun, drinking to our hearts' fill, add along the dessert that will tantalise your tastebuds, satisfy your sweet tooth and leave you craving for more. It's Seafood by the Bay matey! Well, the day's over and done and I'm $200 poorer, we either head on home (tired of thinking what we should do next) or continue with our partying till the daybreak or our heads drop. Either way, I'll always remember you as one of them who poked a hole through my pocket and I'll remember you when I'm paying for my unappealing food in Australia and I'll remember you when I study the digestive system because lunchtime just means more bread and I'll remember you when I return to Singapore because I had to take Garuda airlines back and I will remember you after I become a houseman because I'm still trying to earn back the $200 and by then, I would have forgotten that you were my friend to begin with. ;)
PACKAGE B - 0900 - Meet up @ designated place i.e. ECP (for the first time in history, 9am SHARP) 0915 - Proceed with a day of fun filled activities and enjoy each other(s)' company i.e. cycling, swimming, shopping, sittin' around at starbucks, relac' one corner 1300 - Lunch, anyone? Your treat (I'm paying for dinner, remember?). Preferably we go to some fine restaurant and eat to our hearts' fill. (Dou sha xiao long bao anyone?) 1500 - Continue with fun filled activities, where fun means fun and not sitting around wondering what we should do next (it'll be quite a while before I get to see you guys again so I wouldn't want to leave Singapore with a feeling of nostalgia - that the last time we met each other up was to think of what we should do next). 1730 - As the night falls and we suspend our party till the sun comes up programmes, we head on down to Jumbo and order that juicy chilli and pepper crabs, slurp down the hor fun, drink to our hearts' fill, add along the dessert that will tantalise your tastebuds, satisfy our sweet tooth and leave us craving for more. It's Seafood by the Bay matey! To everyone's delight, you decide to quit your procrastination and show some initiative and potential leadership qualities, you take out that $500 from your wallet and announce that it's your treat!! I marvel in awe and tears start to stream out from my eyes, ever thanking you with my fragile heart. I will always remember you. I will remember you through the good and hard times, for being my shoulder to cry on, for being my hero through all the years, for the 6 years that I'll spend in Aust. I will remember you upon my return and from then onwards, we will become the best of friends. Whenever the alarm clock of yours turns faulty or you simply can't wait to see me and have to take a day off from work, come to me and I'll prescribe you with that 'unfit for duties' golden ticket.
So, what are you waiting for? Pick up your phones and call me right away! Sign up for either Package A or B!! For a limited time only!! Don't worry, either way, I will remember you.
DrWb 9:26 AM
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Sunday, October 16, 2005
Fly Away
Can't believe I actually feel like typing this at 2 am in the morning. Hah.. Was reserving this blog for use as a form of 'celebration' after I obtain a place for Med in Uni. Now's been at least 2 weeks since I've known that UNSW's offering me a place.
The first wave of excitement washed over me in 5 seconds. 5 seconds, and reality sunk in. Then I was pretending to be happy and trying to call everyone to tell them the supposedly good news. Let people who's been by my side know of the outcome. Spread the joy. Eventually I had to admit to myself that I didn't felt a slightest thing afterall. I had to admit to myself that I don't feel like going to UNSW.
UNSW - I know it's a good school. It sounds rather prestigous. Everyone tells me that UNSW would be a good choice. City life, good reputation, accessible, not as 'boring'... Everyone tells me to reconsider my first priority (that is, UWA)... Yea I know, I know!
My first choice's UWA, but come to think of it now, it's ok if I eventually land up in UNSW. I can always visit Perth some other time.
There's nothing wrong with UNSW. Just that I want to run away from the city for some time. Escape from this cramped up place. To a place where I have more time to myself, to think, to reflect.
But ultimately I bumped myself into 2 big questions: 1) Why exactly do I want to run away so much; What am I running away from? 2) Why do I not feel anything after I've achieved that one acceptance into medical school that I've yearned for, dreamed of, worked so hard towards, so excited over the past 2 years? Why has everything been replaced with apprehension, doubts, confusion? Am still in the midst of answering these questions myself...
I detest the way I'm think, the way I feel. I always feel a desire for comfort from friends. I think I'm a hard cracker for God. I'm always in doubt, dissatisfied, worried. I don't like the feelings that run over me these days. Afterall, everyone knows I've finally gotten that acceptance, I should be overjoyed. I should be giving them the treat I've longed promised myself to give on this happy ocassion. Fact is, I really want to. I'm about broke and I am going to be broke but I want to show gratitude; I just want to see these people one more time before I go over to Australia.
I've already come so far. Then I think, did I actually really consider why I want to take up medicine? I thought I had. I thought so when I had to face the rejection from NUS twice and Monash earlier this year. Indeed the human body intrigues me, the human interactions excite me, the mystery solving leaves me craving for more. But honestly at the back of my head another doubt has surfaced. Medicine's gonna be tough, it's a relatively high calling, I'll be alone in Australia for 6 years, I'll be at a place that wasn't originally my first choice, it'll be expensive, I'll starve, I'm gonna make myself starve. So many questions, so many things - applying for disruption, deposit, tuition fees, acoomodation, flight arrangements. All these are fun. What I hate is the way I'm worrying over life at UNSW.
I'm afraid life at UNSW is similar to that in the city. Afraid that I'd be under overwhelming peer pressure to follow suit a party lifestyle. I would like to keep my values while enjoying my time over there. I wouldn't mind trying new stuff, but there's always limitations. It's just this feeling that I'm having that I'd be crossing this threshold while I'm at UNSW. I don't know why. Then again, I've already come so far on the verge of accepting UNSW. I tell people and all they see is why's this idiot so apprehensive about going there. I'd like to share with people my hopes and fears on going to the city all alone. At the end of the day still, I'm gonna have to face them. I just hope I'll be strong enough.
I'm already thinking of the scene when I'm at Changi Airport. It's either of these - that I'll leave this place without anyone sending me off. That way would be easier. No one will see my tears. But I wouldn't bear that thought. I guess I'd be very happy if many turn up to send me off. At least one hug before I fly away. Then I'll just put on a brave front and bid farewell to those whom I love dearly. I know I'll cry. I'll save that when I go on board that aircraft.
