Just a simple guy flying somewhere away Who will follow me?
weibin_85@hotmail.com
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
The Final Battle
One needs to come to terms with it.
And I'm finally on my way.
I have been reading quite a bit lately. Started off with Mere Christianity (C. S. Lewis), and my passion for reading once again sparked off. Then I'm reading Ordering Your Private World (Gordon MacDonald) and The Chronicles of Narnia (C. S. Lewis).
I'm filled with hope, I'm feeling courageous.
It's time to march forward from this cycle of questions and doubts on Christ's and the Lord's existence. It's time to move on and grow. I realised I've already been led on. I'm thankful.
I look back at one of my previous post and I laugh at myself. Myself for feeling so insecure about all these worldy successes, in terms of looks, achievements, finance, materials. I'm encouraged. It makes me want to march forward and think that all these do not matter to me anymore. Well, at least I'll try my hardest to focus on those that's what (I think) are more important.
Let me drift off for a while here, but still relevant. I was once feeling intimidated by the thought of leaving for Australia and I felt myself totally unprepared and thus ready to say yes to everything under peer pressure. Yeah, I had these 'premonitions' of me dancin' in the clubs, chillin' at the pubs, even 'relaxin' at the beach had some hidden agendas to them. Now don't get me wrong, hormones they themselves have a way of their own and after all I'm only human. (Just that I prefer to look innocent, haha). Well, these 'premonitions' to themselves mean nothing. What frightened me was that I could almost see myself noddin' and smilin' at these 'scenes' playing out in my head. I was scared, frightened.
I wasn't feeling like me. I found myself lost. I didn't know myself anymore. So much for wanting and trying to be strong in a brand new environment (Those who know me probably knows that I'm referring to where I've been within these 2-year period ), I found myself weak in the end. I was happy that I've finally join the crowd, and then I wasn't, because I really was joining the crowd.
Happy things happened after that. Like acceptance to medical school. I was numb. I didn't felt the joy I thought I would.
Sad things happened too. Like granddad who's in hospital now. I am numb too. I don't feel the sorrow I think I ought to.
I don't like it. This experience of being void with feelings. To quote from a song: "For someone who has felt so strong, it's amazing I'm completly gone." I'm confused by this drastic change as well. From myself I knew back then and myself right now, I'm living with 2 different minds.
Then it chanced upon me. He chanced upon me. Again.
2 things.
Ordering A Private World - where all is stripped away and one is left with all that wasn't one's to begin with. This is where earthly possessions and success matter no more. Of course try as one may, everyone is ultimately tied to this world and it would indeed be very silly to stop working altogether. It's just that I'm led to believe these temporal what-is-ours shouldn't really be our main focus.
Feelings - the fact that I'm always basing myself upon feelings. Not nessecary bad, but not desirable. Oh how disappointed I feel when I didn't get into NUS, how peaceful it was when it felt as though God was leading me through this whole mess, how happy I am for a successful interview. And then my day is made. Shaped. By my feelings. So saying grace became something I do out of compulsion. Then it became a 'feeling kind of bored, the same old grace'. It's time to learn that I shouldn't base myself so much on feelings.
For love itself is not a feeling I gathered. It is not the feeling of 'lovely dovey' or 'steamy sexy' love that I'm referring to. It's the basic love that bounds everyone together, holds everyone accountable. The love that says 'give thy what is best for him/her.' For you look around and you would think that everyone loves themself. Strive for what is best for yourself, best for your family and friends. Give them the best. Of course this is very debatable and not very obvious for some people. For some will really want to do what is good, to give back to what society has given them. Do charity, community service. Pardon me should I sound like I'm the judge here, but anyone who really gives out of pure love can protest against me. Otherwise there are many times when I also catch myself giving because I'm led by the feelings of sympathy or public opinion; or simply to make myself feel like a better person. Then again this usually does not lasts. For I get irritated the next moment someones steps accidentally on my shoes or does something better than me. There goes the love. Say welcome to pride. I'm not inclined to think how wonderful someone is because we're both drawing and his/hers looks nicer than mine.
Why why I really shouldn't be saying all these because I meant only to speak of myself and how a horrid being I am. I really am. And this post isn't a post meant to draw attention to myself as well. The reason for this post is this: I'm trying. I'm struggling to imitate something so real out of Jesus. And that is love. And I wish to encourage those who walk along the same path; and be in turned encouraged myself as well. Do not give up.
Even as I turn to a vocation (as one of my friend said, profession shouldn't be the word) of a doctor, I think I really need to bring these 2 in order. Order a private world and guide myself by the standards and love that has been shown by Christ. It won't be easy. But I would like to think that struggling is better than giving up altogether. Of course after typing so much, I know I'll one day and another, slip back to my old ways. Hence I would be so glad if anyone out there stands forward and give myself a gentle reminder; even so punch me if you would like. So that when the 2nd coming descends I'd be better prepared for the final battle.
