Just a simple guy flying somewhere away Who will follow me?
weibin_85@hotmail.com
Monday, October 24, 2005
Look Life to me has always been a journey of looking within and around - always comparing myself to others; a focus on the things I think I lack, the ways I feel I need to act, the words I desire to speak. This has always left me with a sense of insecurity, unsure of the person I am. Yea I know, it's another of those 'Who am I?' cliche. I look around and I see people who are so sure of themselves, full of confidence, smart, cool, pretty, lifestyle of the rich and famous, fit and fabulous. Then I measure myself against that sort of standards, and often I am reminded of how ordinary I am. I really should admit that I still feel like breaking away these days, leave and breakaway. Hence my friends, the reason for wanting to fly away, the reason why I want to go somewhere far. Far away from the city. I am only saved when I am around with my (extended) family. I've the reputation of being the one who'd broken new academic grounds for my generation of cousins, the one who did pretty well in school to get himself into medical school, the one who will be the first ever doctor in our family, the one who really seems to enjoy himself while being surrounded by his cousins and still am playing the likes of hide-and-seek and catching with them even though he's already 20... My aunts and uncles, they always ask their children to look up to me, learn from me, be like me. My aunt even cried when she saw my name appeared on the papers. That left a bigger impression on myself than the actual fact of scoring well for the 'O's. But that's beside the point.
I know it's not healthy to be doing what I'm doing, but it's not something I decide to do or not actively. Quote from Jennifer Knapp's (The Way I Am): "It's better off this way - to be deaf, dumb and lame, than to be the way I am". Sometimes I listen to inspirational songs to make myself feel worthy of something, I listen to them with a craving for self empowerment. But at the end of the day, it always end the same. I still feel like I'm missing something...
Looking back, how I wish I'd have grown up without developing this self destructive habit. Now that it's become innate 'instinct', I'm finding it hard to live without it's toil.
Then I look into the future with apprehension. What am I to do when I'm over at Australia? I am scared. I fear. I am frigthened by the thoughts that I think may overwhelm me. It's a new life in a new town, how will I cope?
I picture the day when I'm looking down from the aircraft. Finally on the journey of a life time, something I've dreamt about since last year. I picture it an exhilarating ride, a chance for me to break free, fly away. But still the story of the crow goes, it's not a matter with the place, wherever it goes, it'll never really break away from itself. Not that I'm saying I'm a crow...but you get the idea. That makes me sad.
In my heart I'm always longing to look up. I remember the days when I felt that everything was lost - days when I realise that some universities were not going to accept my application to medical school, days when I doubt my passion and abilities to become a care giver. But all in all, there was always hope, always a sense of peace, someone telling me that things will turn out just fine in the end. Even with so many things that were happening, I wasn't scared, I wasn't ready to back down. Then I thank God, and I begin to think to myself: maybe I should look up more often instead.
