Just a simple guy flying somewhere away Who will follow me?
weibin_85@hotmail.com
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Fly Away
Can't believe I actually feel like typing this at 2 am in the morning. Hah.. Was reserving this blog for use as a form of 'celebration' after I obtain a place for Med in Uni. Now's been at least 2 weeks since I've known that UNSW's offering me a place.
The first wave of excitement washed over me in 5 seconds. 5 seconds, and reality sunk in. Then I was pretending to be happy and trying to call everyone to tell them the supposedly good news. Let people who's been by my side know of the outcome. Spread the joy. Eventually I had to admit to myself that I didn't felt a slightest thing afterall. I had to admit to myself that I don't feel like going to UNSW.
UNSW - I know it's a good school. It sounds rather prestigous. Everyone tells me that UNSW would be a good choice. City life, good reputation, accessible, not as 'boring'... Everyone tells me to reconsider my first priority (that is, UWA)... Yea I know, I know!
My first choice's UWA, but come to think of it now, it's ok if I eventually land up in UNSW. I can always visit Perth some other time.
There's nothing wrong with UNSW. Just that I want to run away from the city for some time. Escape from this cramped up place. To a place where I have more time to myself, to think, to reflect.
But ultimately I bumped myself into 2 big questions: 1) Why exactly do I want to run away so much; What am I running away from? 2) Why do I not feel anything after I've achieved that one acceptance into medical school that I've yearned for, dreamed of, worked so hard towards, so excited over the past 2 years? Why has everything been replaced with apprehension, doubts, confusion? Am still in the midst of answering these questions myself...
I detest the way I'm think, the way I feel. I always feel a desire for comfort from friends. I think I'm a hard cracker for God. I'm always in doubt, dissatisfied, worried. I don't like the feelings that run over me these days. Afterall, everyone knows I've finally gotten that acceptance, I should be overjoyed. I should be giving them the treat I've longed promised myself to give on this happy ocassion. Fact is, I really want to. I'm about broke and I am going to be broke but I want to show gratitude; I just want to see these people one more time before I go over to Australia.
I've already come so far. Then I think, did I actually really consider why I want to take up medicine? I thought I had. I thought so when I had to face the rejection from NUS twice and Monash earlier this year. Indeed the human body intrigues me, the human interactions excite me, the mystery solving leaves me craving for more. But honestly at the back of my head another doubt has surfaced. Medicine's gonna be tough, it's a relatively high calling, I'll be alone in Australia for 6 years, I'll be at a place that wasn't originally my first choice, it'll be expensive, I'll starve, I'm gonna make myself starve. So many questions, so many things - applying for disruption, deposit, tuition fees, acoomodation, flight arrangements. All these are fun. What I hate is the way I'm worrying over life at UNSW.
I'm afraid life at UNSW is similar to that in the city. Afraid that I'd be under overwhelming peer pressure to follow suit a party lifestyle. I would like to keep my values while enjoying my time over there. I wouldn't mind trying new stuff, but there's always limitations. It's just this feeling that I'm having that I'd be crossing this threshold while I'm at UNSW. I don't know why. Then again, I've already come so far on the verge of accepting UNSW. I tell people and all they see is why's this idiot so apprehensive about going there. I'd like to share with people my hopes and fears on going to the city all alone. At the end of the day still, I'm gonna have to face them. I just hope I'll be strong enough.
I'm already thinking of the scene when I'm at Changi Airport. It's either of these - that I'll leave this place without anyone sending me off. That way would be easier. No one will see my tears. But I wouldn't bear that thought. I guess I'd be very happy if many turn up to send me off. At least one hug before I fly away. Then I'll just put on a brave front and bid farewell to those whom I love dearly. I know I'll cry. I'll save that when I go on board that aircraft.
